Bat shit ‘actually not that crazy’


Biologists and naturalists have responded to the repeated comparisons of people and political movements acting in irrational ways to bat shit, arguing that this grossly misrepresents a valuable commodity.

‘Strictly speaking, insanity requires consciousness, even if only at the level of believing that you aren’t allowed to say anything racist these days, while simultaneously using a technology platform to do exactly that,’ said Gerald Bagnall, Emeritus Professor the Bleedin’ Obvious at the University of Somewhere or Other.

‘And even if we let that one pass, the fact is that bat guano is an immensely important resource. Entire cave ecosystems could not exist without generations of bats risking their dignity by hanging upside-down and evacuating their nutrient-rich torpedoes onto the floor.’

‘Furthermore, bat guano was integral to the development of modern intensive farming. Whole colonies were founded, whole fortunes were made to seek out nitrogen-, phosphate- and potassium-rich deposits to use as fertiliser. It’s much more significant than a passing four years of having an angry gibbon in the White House.’

Nigel Walker, a bat, said: ‘That was interesting. I didn’t know any of that because I’m a bat … whoops, there goes another one. Crazy stuff! Hey did you see what I did there?’

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2021 by

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