The already acute pressure on the NHS looks set to intensify, after early test results on a vaccine with the ability to blot out Boris Johnson’s shambolic, vacillating and rambling pronouncements has shown to be 100% effective.
Professor Arnold Lane said: ‘Development work has been going on behind the scenes since December 2019. Once treated with BorisGone21 our minds will automatically “zone out” every time Mr Johnson turns up on TV and radio, or if he appears in our daily newspapers.’
‘Imagine the comfort this will bring to the nation. We will not be able to hear or even recognise a word he says, let alone try to have to make sense of it. Instead, our conscious minds will register only calming music and an embedded video of a cat playing with a ball of string.’
NHS switchboards and websites have been swamped with members of the public, all desperate for a date when they can hope to get the new jab. Meanwhile there are reports that separate queues have already been forming alongside those awaiting Covid 19 inoculations outside hospitals and GP surgeries.
One such hopeful, sprightly pensioner Bert Walsingham (89), who fought in WW2 said: ‘I was called by my GP to come here to get a Covid injection, but when I heard about this new one, I just thought, fuck Covid. Give that to some poor bastard who really needs it.’
‘That’s why I’ve started my own queue to get the Boris one. I’ll do whatever it takes, even if I have to stand here for six bleedin’ months.’