Sir Keir Starmer has announced a plan to develop a political Super Alliance which will focus on green socialist privatisations through the medium of Welsh. The Lib Dems will be included as soon as their principles can be identified.
Sir Keir explained the policy: “As we all know, elections can be very expensive and the TV coverage often displaces important snooker matches. People may say: what about democracy? Well, with the Labour Party split into n+1 factions, where ‘n’ is the number of members, we’re basically doomed. All the Tories have to do is stand by their latest gibbon and they’ll beat us”.
Under the new system the election process would be replaced by a contract negotiation every four years. Labour would then be free to argue for basic human rights before capitulating and allowing the usual percentage of taxes to be sent to overseas bank accounts controlled by dodgy businessmen and corrupt politicians, or the Private Finance Initiative as it is known.
“We want to make politics interesting again”, said Starmer. “MPs from all parties would get together for social evenings where they’d play parlour games like ‘find a LibDem’. We could finally do some real soul-searching and try to locate the soul of the Labour Party”.
“I want to replace Punch and Judy politics with Richard and Judy politics, where we sit on a sofa and everybody’s welcome. Except Marcus Rashford, obviously. Trouble maker”.