Thousands of battle-hardened US troops being hastily pulled out of Afghanistan are reportedly “crying like little girls” on learning of their immediate redeployment to the fib-strewn paramidiotry warzone of Capitol Hill, in readiness for the most underwhelming inauguration since Chuka Umunna, on a deadline from Kwik-e-Print, said “Um, Change UK?”
“It’s like looking into hell,” whimpered Colonel Will Slaybleed, staring whey-faced at CNN footage of overweight truckers wheezing up the steps like priapic toads roused to lumbering frenzy by a glimpse of Trump side-boob. “Give me an ambush of IED-toting insurgents any day- I mean, these guys have flags! Is it too late to claim an allergy to oversized eagle belt-buckles? What if my Mom writes a note?”
Upon hearing that to comply with the UN Convention on the Rights of Pseudo-Religious Douchebags, all weaponry must be certified organic, fully sustainable, and wheat-free, even Lieutenant ‘Mad Coypu’ Murdoch, grizzled veteran of the infamous Primark Sale Riots while on a tour of duty in Chelt’Nam, was reduced to gibbering cliché: “We got company, guys; lock and load. Cover me, I’m going in- this is going to blow! Don’t you die on me, soldier- that’s an ORDER!”
Private ‘Speccy’ O’Reilly, perched on his Chinook booster seat, remained naively chipper: “We’re goin’ home, and I’m gonna marry that girl,” he sighed, gazing at a faded polaroid of nation’s sweetheart and pro bono garden centre publicist, Trudy Giuliani.
Slaybleed sighed. “He’s toast. What the hell, bring it on; I love the smell of macrobiotic hemp-based napalm in the morning…”