Entrepreneurial giants, Sir Philip Green and Mike Ashley, have rocked the world of high street retail by announcing they are married. The secret ceremony took place on board HMS Blowjob, a luxury yacht owned by vacuum tycoon James Dyson. The ceremony was presided over by an ordained KPMG accountant. Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson were bridesmaids. Sir Philip was given away by his father, who accidentally revealed his tax returns.
A spectacular reception party followed at which friends enjoyed copious amounts of Champagne and foie gras. As Sir Philip and Mr Ashley have no friends, it is assumed Mr Ashley did most of the copious consuming. The QAnon shaman provided the mobile disco.
The happy couple have denied tying the knot for tax purposes, but questions have been raised about the private jet they received as a gift from a cleaner at a Sports Direct store in Croydon. A grateful former BHS employee furnished the nuptial pair with a lovely oven dish, some glass tumblers, and a small island off the coast of Belize.