CERN scientists detect moment when child’s respect for Dad switches to contempt


It’s one of nature’s most closely guarded secrets: what is the precise moment when Dad goes from hero to zero?

“It’s like throwing a ball in the air” said Professor Jones of CERN. “It starts off fast, slows down, keeps slowing and then there’s a moment when its speed is zero before it begins its downward journey. A child’s love for their father is exactly like that ball – it starts with great hope and the next thing you know it’s smacked you in the face”.

Scientists eventually solved the problem while accelerating a fat child to three quarters of the speed of light in the CERN tunnels beneath Geneva.

“This wasn’t necessary”, explained Professor Jones. “We just thought the ungrateful bastard deserved it. Also, you should have seen the wobbly skin on his face – awesome. He threw up three times but because he was accelerating it ended up all over him. Anyway, while he was zipping around in there we worked out an equation which accurately predicts the turning point, as long as you have the following information: date of first ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug; date and time when your child first commented on your singing; date and time of first Dad joke not laughed at. Plug these coordinates into the equation and we can predict the precise moment when your child will switch from ‘my dad’s a hero’ to ‘what a loser’”.

Hallmark cards have expressed interest in the equation and plan to launch a new range of sympathy cards to mark the occasion. Their ‘Depressing Rites of Passage’ range already includes ‘Child’s First Wank’, ‘Your Son is Taller Than You And Has The Postman’s Eyes’ and ‘You’ve Started to Make that Noise When You Sit Down’.

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Posted: Jan 19th, 2021 by

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