Matt Hancock has announced plans to cull northerners in order to ease the strain on the NHS and ensure hospital capacity is available to treat sick, important Londoners.
The move comes on the back of reports that patients had been transferred from over-stretched London hospitals to intensive care as far away as Newcastle, raising fears that southerners already suffering from covid could also find themselves exposed to geordies.
“When it was revealed that patients were being moved from London to the North East in search of available intensive care beds some people raised concerns about what this meant for locals needing treatment. Which was a very good point, we wouldn’t want to go to the trouble of moving somebody the length of the country only to find out that the bed intended for them had been filled by some inconsequential northern oik.” explained the Secretary of State for Health.
“This plan to cull the local populations will ensure there is plenty of capacity in hospitals to treat those who actually matter. It will be done as humanely as possible, even though there is no conclusive evidence that northerners can feel pain.”
“I know there are some fringe theories that northerners are somehow as important as southerners, and even that the noises they make constitute some form of rudimentary language, but this has no basis in science.” concluded Mr Hancock, through what may have been tears or may have been laughter, it’s difficult to tell.
The cull, as well as easing pressure on a health service which is approaching breaking point, will also remove the threat of thousands of people who were convinced to vote for the current government reverting to voting for Labour.