Diminutive wordsmith and serial shagger Jeffrey Archer has apologised after a story he wrote long ago about an American billionaire game show host who becomes US President, with an Eastern European wife who may or may not be a robot controlled by forces unseen, actually came true.
‘I wrote this during a bad period in my life,’ Archer confessed. ‘I realised straight away it was wildly implausible, so I put it in my bottom drawer and forgot about it. How it got from there to the reality we see unfolding today on the world stage is beyond even my understanding. It could be the made-up Russian spies operating inside the book somehow communicated with the real CIA who stole the book in 2002, without my agent’s permission.’
Now, scientists, internet experts and literary critics have gathered at a secret location with the bantamweight yarn monger to see if the bounds of the story can be broken and the world returned to normal. Archer told them: ‘I keep waking from a nightmare about Trump acquiring the Water Works in a game of Monopoly with Mary, hoping it is all a dream. That it became reality shows again that creative genius like what I have got can be dangerous if it goes unappreciated. As I wrote in the introduction to my latest dustbuster “You’ve got to have a dream, if you don’t have a dream, how you gonna make your dream come true?”’
Futurologists, political analysts and military strategists have gathered at another secret location near the scientists, with a twice-hourly minibus shuttle service between the two (limited service Sundays) This group will examine how, if the ending of the book comes true, the earth can be saved from the giant taco killer robots from Alpha Centauri and whether the bit about Michael Gove is physically possible for a man of his age.
Archer concluded: ‘Looking on the bright side I am now writing a book in which a disgraced former Tory politician who is also a top novelist despite being height-challenged, turns out to be completely innocent of anything lurid from the past and becomes Prime Minister just in time to save the world from an earlier book. If the one about the President and Russian lady wee-wees can come true, I don’t see why this one shouldn’t.’