The Communities Secretary has signalled that statues of slave owners will be given preference when it comes to council housing, extra UCAS points and they will be first in the line when it comes to the new iPhone. Such is the concern for the safety of monuments of murderers, that they will be prioritized with the new Covid vaccine and given their pick of the most attractive nurses.
In transpires that statues of racists need protection against *checks notes* people who do not like racists. The Minister insisted: ‘We need to defend our heritage – unless it involves the poor, ethnic minorities, trade unionists, suffragettes, emancipationists, the disabled, human rights activists, children or scientists who think they know better – they can all jump in the nearest river’.
Social distancing will now only apply to Black Lives Matters advocates when they are near sculptures of bigots. Round the clock armed guards will preserve these effigies from attack – because being made of two tonnes of solid bronze is not enough.
Asked if we should safe-guard statues instead of the living, one teacher remarked: ‘We renamed our school after discovering it was founded by a slave trader. It was called ‘Sir William genocidal-maniac-who-strangled-puppies-to-pay-for-his-orangery Cameron High School’, but those were simpler times. And the letter head was far too long’.