Boris Johnson addressed the nation today to reassure everybody that the decision to change the timing of the second vaccine shot from three weeks as determined by rigorous medical research to twelve weeks, determined by a secret ballot in the Cabinet office, has anything to do with a shortage of vaccines.
‘No, that’s an EU problem – they’re short of vaccines, not us,’ he told reporters. ‘We’ve worked out that a miniscule drop of vaccine delivered to a person gives them enough protection to render using any more almost worthless,’ he added. ‘That’s why we’re only delivering a quarter of the recommended dose – science, not guesswork,’ he said, passing over to Professor Chris Whitty.
‘That’s right. We’ve also worked out that PPE is way over the top,’ said the Professor, ‘so we’re issuing armless smocks and we’re asking that facemasks are cut into narrow strips. We’ve all seen how effective facemasks worn on the chin are in supermarkets – it’s about time the NHS caught up,’ he added, to the approval of Sir Patrick Vallance.
Experts have concluded that both Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance have become over-exposed to the government. ‘It was inevitable,’ said one expert, ‘given the exposure, lack of distancing and the viral load emanating from the government. It was only a matter of time until the BS-R rate exceeded one,’ he said, noting that the one was, of course, Boris.