“Trolls deserve to be heard, same as everybody else”, said a spokesman. “We need more attention than neuro-typical people, so when we keep on and on and on about the same topic – evading logic, ignoring facts and irrationally claiming victory – it should be celebrated as part of troll culture”.
Under new guidelines ‘trolling’ – defined as ‘being a bit of an arse on social media because you’re lonely and need attention’ – will become a Protected Status and afforded legal protection.
The aggressive use of facts against trolls will become a criminal offence. “Every day, thousands of trolls are injured by facts” said the spokesman. “They try to put a brave face on it by lying, deflecting and making smart-arse comments, but facts hurt. I’ve been diagnosed with Post Correction Stress Disorder. I get flashbacks to times when I was really burned, like that time somebody explained what 5G is and what a virus is, and demonstrated beyond doubt that I was writing tosh. Bastard. You wouldn’t let somebody drive without a licence, we believe there should be restrictions on the sale of books to neuro-typical people. And don’t get me started on Google”.
The most severe penalties will be reserved for those who refuse to engage with trolls. “You wouldn’t keep a child and not feed him, would you? Ignoring a troll is like that – starve us of attention and we might die. I think I have a misleading infographic which proves the point. We don’t interfere with your friendships and love lives, do we? You have that, we have off-topic irrelevant comments. Live and let live, it isn’t much to ask”.