Colin the Cannibal, Swindon’s most notorious serial killer, has had his sentence doubled following forensic examination of his gloating notes to police.
“The man’s an animal” said Superintendent Cadwallader of Wiltshire CID. “His first letter said, and I’m quoting here, ‘You wont cach me alive you scum im laughing at you’re pathetic attempts’.
“We didn’t take him seriously at first”, said Cadwallader. “It’s hard to see somebody with such childish punctuation and spelling as a serious criminal. If he’d been consistent and simply eschewed punctuation and capital letters altogether we could have considered him a modern-day ee cummings, perhaps – Cummings was never charged, incidentally. Got off on a ‘poetic licence’ loophole. It’s the unnecessary apostrophe in ‘your’ which makes me sick. Actually violently physically sick. The man is pure evil”.
Police were eventually forced to open a full investigation when the death toll reached three victims, qualifying Colin as a serial killer and increasing his points score in Home Office Bingo.
“Sadly there weren’t any signs of hate crime – he seems to have been an equal-opportunities cannibal – so we missed out on the triple score”, said Cadwallader. “The Home Office doesn’t prioritise offences against English grammar – which is a shame, or we might have caught him sooner. That would have saved several lives and prevented some truly appalling punctuation”.
Superintendent Cadwallader has called for a specialist unit to investigate crimes against language. “Colin was a local journalist. Research shows that local journalism is a gateway crime, often leading to more serious language offences. And murder, also. If we can save just one pedant from a fate worse than death then it will be money well spent”, he told local journalists, all of whom spelled his name wrong and introduced random apostrophes into their stories. Bastards.