Internet to go online only

The Daily google

The Internet has announced that it is to cease publication of its daily print editions this week, while winding down its weekly editions with a view to becoming online-only by the end of the month. The move comes as the group announces record losses for its print ventures, with more and more of its reader base switching to other ways of accessing news, celebrity gossip and pet photos.

Editor Dennis Hobbs said ‘The truth is, our paper edition has been haemorrhaging readers since the advent of Teletext, to the point where few people now realise it even existed in its paper format. Our approach today is “If you can’t beat them, join them”.’

‘We’re optimistic about the switch-over, which we believe will generate many new job roles, though we’re realistic that our layout artist, Rob, will in all likelihood lose his job,’ added Hobbs. ‘He’s done a sterling job over the years designing front covers and inside pages, while keeping up with the ever-increasing page count, and we’re hopefully we can find a role for him in the new set-up.’

‘In the end the cost of printing such a colossal amount of ever-changing information took its toll, especially for the many paper boys and girls, who had to drag the 500-page tomes to people’s front doors, followed by extra hourly deliveries with every update. The business model just wasn’t viable. Though we’re sad to be closing our office in Hove, we believe our brand is strong ending enough to flourish in the online world.’

The Internet had recently attempted to stem the tide by producing a smaller version of its daily edition, a weekly paper and a separate colour supplement for its ever-popular hardcore pornography pages. The last printed edition will feature a compilation of its most memorable stories over the years, including the blue/gold dress debate, ‘weasel riding woodpecker’ and the phenomenally successful satirical spoof that saw millions of people over the world fooled into thinking Donald Trump was a serious candidate for president of the United States.

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Posted: Feb 1st, 2021 by

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