Government responses to the COVID-19 pandemic will from now on be based entirely on insights gleaned from the extensive canon of Matt Damon films, Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced today. Following the revelation that the film Contagion had influenced his decision making and strategy towards ordering vaccines, Matt Hancock admitted that there were a lot of lessons that could be taken from Damon’s extensive oeuvre.
‘It’s all in there, everything we need to finally beat this virus, if you look close enough’, said Hancock rubbing his eyes, as he emerged with an empty bucket of popcorn, from the makeshift cinema he had constructed in his spare room, after a marathon session of watching all the films in the Jason Bourne franchise and Oceans 11 and 12.
‘After watching Damon’s frankly mesmerising performance in Downsizing, I can also announce that we plan to shrink everyone to a height of 5 inches over the next year, but we will maintain actual social distancing of 2m’, continued Hancock. ‘We don’t think the virus has access to any of Matt Damon’s films and so we hope to catch it on the hoof’.
‘We will also be engaging with all the undiscovered school and college janitors across the country, asking them to solve complex ‘math’ problems relating to the genetic make of the virus. We will post these on school blackboards and they will work them out in just under 2 hours whilst going through a process of self discovery assisted by Robin Williams’, said Hancock, refusing to comment if the cabinet was modelled on The Brothers Grimm.