Campaigners have today called for the offspring of sperm donors to be given the legal right to learn the identity of the person their biological father was mentally getting jiggy with when he donated his DNA.
‘Like any child of a donor, there’s always that sense of curiosity about who my natural father was picturing as he jizzed into a petri dish,’ said Callum Pooley, 19. ‘What did she look like, what was she wearing, what did he imagine her doing to him to help him get over the line? As the child of a sperm donor, you’re constantly plagued by all these unanswered questions.’
Campaigners claim that a change in the law would dispel uncertainty for the children of sperm donors about the identity of their virtual mother. ‘What I feared most was that my biological father laid down the man-juice that made me while standing over pictures of somebody entirely inappropriate like Linda Lusardi, Samantha Fox, or a young Eric Pickles,’ said 22-year-old Lexi Hough. ‘But now I know he was jerking off over Busty Barbara, Hussy Housewife’s centrefold of the year 1989-91 and his all-time favourite glamour model, I feel valued and able to move on with my life.’
Some donors too have welcomed the proposal. ‘Knowing that who I’m thinking about as I beat out the rhythm of life could be revealed to my offspring has really made me stop and think,’ said regular donor Geoff Baker, 38. ‘So now I always try to focus on a classy bird like the Duchess of Cambridge, or her sister, or sometimes both. Admittedly this whole ‘assisted conception’ thing used to be a hell of a lot quicker with the assistance of my fantasy about my neighbour Sharon, but you’ve got to make sacrifices to give your kids the best start in life.’
However, couples who have conceived children without the need for fertility treatment have opposed the plans. ‘The last thing we’d want is for this law to be extended to conventional pregnancies,’ said married father-of-two, Paul Alvarez. ‘I hate to have to tell my wife or my son that he was conceived as I imagined banging my sister-in-law, and my younger daughter should never know I was thinking about Jo Brand. It’s not even as if I left the TV on in the background.’