East End virus variant leaves patients with a cockney accent

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Scientists from SAGE have publicised alarming findings indicating a dramatic side effect of coronavirus.

A survey of 2379 people currently recovering from Covid across London and the Southeast reveals that a thumping 97% of them now have a distinct cockney accent.

‘It’s harrowing for those of us who have to make heart-rending phone calls to their nearest and dearest,’ admitted senior registrar, Dr Joe Mee, at the Royal London Hospital. ‘I’ve seen over-worked nurses here blubbering away when they have to tell some posh hooray type in Hampstead that ‘daddy’ is calling his telephone the ‘dog and bone.’ It’s tragic.’

Other countries are concerned by the findings, particularly Spain and France, who have begun urgent testing for the East End variant. Dr Mee said the only hope was to try a potent cocktail of medication containing a dose of Pfizer, AstraZeneca vaccine and jellied eels.

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Posted: Feb 13th, 2021 by

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