Google Glasses ‘would have detected Savile’

celebrity encounters can be videoed and instantly uploaded to YouTube

Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their innovative, interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.

While originally designed to recognise historic landmarks, the new glasses also come loaded with secret, pre-programmed face and iris recognition and behavioural analysis tools as standard. Google chief executive, Eric Schmidt, explained that the new technology would finally help the public look into the souls of, say, Ant and Dec, tell you what they’re like and really help in telling them apart. ‘Yes they look like Geordie hobbits, but which is which? And what are they up to? These glasses will finally let you know.’

When it was pointed out that neither Ant or Dec had been implicated in any wrong-doing, Mr. Schmidt looked a bit stunned and promised to ‘Google it’ as soon as he got home, but added that the beauty of Google’s algorithms was that they can always be tweaked if necessary to conclude that anyone ‘just looks the type’.

‘Take celebrity couple Tess Daly and Vernon Kay,’ added Mr Schmidt. ‘Through the glasses Ms. Daly registers as symmetrical perfection without any character flaws at all, while Mr Kay with his broken nose, lazy eye and cauliflower ear might very well give Picasso nightmares. They seem to come across as quite nice people, but clearly we can conclude that Ms. Daly is an angel, while Mr Kay is a psychopath whose only mission in life is to utterly corrupt as many goats as possible. It’s obvious. It’s just an extension of the basic science behind everything Google does.’

But Nick Pickles, director of privacy campaign group ‘Big Brother Watch’, remains concerned: ‘While I appreciate that for every lovely Rpatz, there’s a philandering Kristen Stewart, Google are obviously pre-judging the famous. How does a high-definition warning sign of Kim Kardashian prevent crime? And, as unsavoury as a Darren Day or Ashley Cole may appear to many people, they should still be allowed to walk the streets… obviously with an electronic tag of some kind,’ he added. ‘Those two, loose on the streets without any supervision? Just look at them. I don’t think so!’

Like a 21st century version of celebrity maps, Google Glass will also use the new features to allow the public to instantly identify the location of people like Madonna and warn all orphans in the area. And the bone conduction transducer will let the user know with a high pitched squeal when Chris Brown is near, without the need for in-ear headphones tuned to pick up the latest update from the police.

Prototype devices are being beta tested by around 1,000 so-called Glass Explorers, all of whom have been asked to watch Coronation Street 24/7 and report back any irregularities, so far with remarkably accurate results.

Asked if Google Glass could be used to identify ‘normal’ sex offenders or criminals, Mr Schmidt replied: ‘You don’t really get Google, do you?’


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Posted: Feb 20th, 2021 by

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