Following the announcement that people will soon be allowed to meet outdoors for “coffee on a bench”, Derbyshire Police have impounded all the benches in the county.
‘Just because some London folks have endorsed al fresco caffeine abuse doesn’t mean we want these metropolitan perversions up here,’ said Chief Constable Norman Gritstone. ‘As you all know, during lockdown we’ve operated a policy of zero tolerance of “enjoying the fresh air”, and we’re not stopping now. Derbyshire’s natural beauty should be viewed as intended, out of the window of a police patrol car, and entirely free from humans littering the landscape with their so-called ‘outdoor recreation’. The proper place for humans is indoors watching TV, or failing that, in one of our cells.’
The 2374 benches collected from the county’s green spaces have been stored in a warehouse outside Chesterfield “pending incineration”. It is understood that the force is now planning raids on coffee shops, and has set up roadblocks on all routes into the Peak District National Park, in anticipation of a “flood of springtime ramblers”.
‘Some folk think we’re killjoys, not at all’ continued Const. Gritstone. ‘We support proper healthy exercise and human interaction, in cars and after dark, and are working with the tourist board to promote their “Come Dogging in Derbyshire” campaign. Our Lucky Lay-bys map is available to order for £10 and a tip-off to our officers. I particularly recommend the area around Chatsworth this weekend – see you there.’