Government commission statue of Matt Hancock to topple

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After unlawfully failing to publish details of coronavirus-related contracts worth billions, and the High Court ruling Matt Hancock failed to comply with the law, the government have commissioned a statue of the health secretary to be toppled with immediate effect.

Under law, the government has to publish a “contract award notice” within 30 days of the award of any contracts for public goods or services worth more than £120,000. The High Court ruled the DHSC under Matt Hancock’s leadership failed to do on many occasions.

Calls for the resignation of Mr Hancock have been wholly rebuffed, citing conservative party guidelines which define resigning as ‘an act of political and moral weakness, unworthy of those that seek to rule above the law’.

A CCHQ spokesperson explained: “There’s no question of Matty resigning, that would send out a terrible message. The public expect conservative ministers to soldier on through their own ineptitude. It’s the one thing they can be truly relied on for.

“It’s now about turning around public perception of the health secretary. It’s time for his statue to be pulled down, not his political pants.

“The commissioned statue will depict the health secretary on stage bellowing a karaoke song into a microphone, while excited party donors clamour to stuff cash into the PPE mask he’s wearing like a g-string.”

The design has drawn controversy due to Mr. Hancock being virtually naked. The spokesperson continued: “We thought it important to depict Matt naked to symbolise his openness, in contrast to the legal ruling. We were advised to add the sexy mask for public decency reasons.”

The statue of the man under whose tenure 120,000 people have so far died, will be erected on a plinth blocking the main entrance of London’s Northwick Park hospital, and when toppled thousands of banknotes will be launched into the air from a hole between his buttocks, like corrupt cash confetti.

The spokesperson added: “All we have to do now is persuade the health secretary not to get a bronze spray tan and climb up there himself. Lord knows, the cash is ready to go.”

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2021 by

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