‘Maverick’ Hancock tell-all interview with Mumsnet

Hancock

‘Sometimes I do 34 in a 30 zone. I’m a maverick”, said Hancock. “I like to get pissed at parties and kiss women. Real women, with breasts. I don’t kiss their breasts, obviously. I’m not an animal.’

Matt Hancock is leaning back in his chair at ten degrees from the horizontal. He’s still a long way from the tipping point but I can sense that he isn’t comfortable, and also a blush has started up his neck. I think it’s because he said ‘breasts’. It’s rising up his cheeks now, and he quickly returns the chair to a stable position and shuffles some papers on his desk. There’s an awkward silence. He looks like a Belisha beacon.

‘I have a leather jacket”, he tells me, apropos of nothing. “Real leather. I look a bit like James Dean in it.’

Matt Hancock is still on a high after surviving another interview and the breast blush is subsiding. I try to imagine James Dean blushing, and fail. Maybe the jacket would help.

‘I shredded Marr”, he tells me with a wink. “He won’t take me on, I’d give him another stroke.';

‘You’ve given him a . . . ?’ I start, but then realise what he’s talking about. Marr’s cerebral bleed.

‘Yes!” Hancock shouts, a little too quickly. “I meant, you know, the vascular accident. I’ve never . . . God, we’re not at boarding school now.’ The blush is back at full strength, and I try to take his mind off masturbating a TV presenter.

‘So you kiss women? That must be fun.’

‘Yes”, he says, but his mind seems to be elsewhere. “It isn’t illegal.’

‘Kissing women?’

‘The procurement stuff. I didn’t break any laws. Dom said so.’

Maverick looks at me with a steady gaze. I sense he feels he’s on firmer ground.

‘So . . . those massive contracts – they’re okay?’

‘Totally okay’

“No problems because they’re with, you know, dormant companies run by friends of yours?”

‘I have a leather jacket,’ he says, then tapers off. It’s going to be a long interview.

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Posted: Feb 27th, 2021 by

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