One more case of Boris Virus confirmed in the UK


A woman in Westminster has been confirmed as the latest victim of the Boris Virus, a condition which leaves female victims with a swollen abdomen and nausea for a period of approximately nine months. Its chief carrier is known to be largely dormant outside of election periods though the public are warned that exposure can cause immediate vomiting, depression, and even violent episodes.

The exact number of victims has thus far been kept secret by government officials. However, past victims have been said to have received generous financial packages from the Prime Minister to make the problem go away.

The virus was thought to originate in New York, before travelling to London via Eton, then working its way through the Spectator offices and Westminster. Those with narrow gene pools are thought particularly susceptible, though all women of breeding age have been told to be ‘on their guard’, especially during periods of political campaigning across the country. The virus spreads exclusively man-to-woman, bar the Eton period, and is nurtured by vague promises of fidelity, though is more fertile outside of monogamous relationships.

The rest of Europe has declared itself Boris-free after the UK entered self-isolation, with the transport of goods and services expected to soon grind to a standstill entirely. The public have been told that feeling unwell may just be the effect of watching too much recent Brexit coverage, though the only way to ensure complete protection from Boris is to wash their hands of the Conservatives entirely.

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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2021 by

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