Witchell Bot to be used for all Philip health updates, BBC confirms


The BBC have started using an automated bot to to speculate about the health of Prince Philip and guess what the palace thinks about Harry’s interview with James Corden, it has been revealed.

‘We’ve been using the bot for the last two weeks since Philip went into hospital, if truth be known’, said a BBC inside source. ‘It’s programmed with over 500 quite speculative adverbs and non-committal health statuses – the sort of responses you’d give to someone who you pass in the street who asked how you were doing.’

‘We also have a computer generated avatar of Nicholas Witchell, which now appears in the studio instead of the real thing, complete with features such as a raised eyebrow to express understated scepticism, and the slightest upturning of the mouth when he says things like “It might be expected that…”, or “Given what we know about the Prince…”.’

‘Witchell Bot also has around 1,000 phrases built in to its hard drive, which hint at some exclusive access to the Royals, but which also make it clear that they haven’t told us a bloody thing’, continued the source. ‘Version 2.0 of Witchell Bot can randomly generate frustratingly empty sentences to fill one-minute chats with the news anchor, then none of us needs to pretend that an actual royal correspondent is parked outside the hospital all day. It’s so much more efficient.’

When asked how the Royals felt about the use of the new device, Witchell Bot replied: ‘The palace doesn’t give hourly updates on what it thinks, it’s just not “how things are done”. But we might anticipate, given recent events (eyebrow) and what sources have in the past been quoted by others as having said, that we may at some point soon (left lip curl) get an update, indicating exactly how they feel about this development.’

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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2021 by

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