Your employer has made an impassioned plea for you to return to face to face tasks, so he can return to hand to buttock management. Remote working may not have harmed your productivity, but it has severely restricted his ability to have a ‘crafty w*nk’ in the unisex toilet.
‘It’s been a frustrating time for all of us. With no-one around, I’ve resorted to rubbing against the photocopier. This is way worse than that restraining order at last year’s office party,’ said your boss. ‘The place is COVID-safe now. I’ve provided hand gel and lubricant in every stall, all masks are leather or rubber and I’ve insisted on waist-height partitions, in case anyone wants to go topless.’
‘It’s better for workers to feel the mutual support that comes with shared stories of harassment. Fitness improves, particularly if you’re being chased around the shredder. And morale lifts with every unwanted sexual advance – at least that’s what the SNP told me’.