Among the details of Rishi Sunak’s budget are plans to pay off a portion of the money the government has spent on COVID-19 by selling Wales and its inhabitants to Russia. ‘It was a tough, but necessary decision,’ said the Chancellor. “We considered selling off Scotland or Northern Ireland, but at the end of the day we felt the Welsh would make the best slaves for Russian oligarchs, given how easy they’ve been to subjugate historically.’
Russia is reportedly very happy with the deal, and plans to turn the country into a summer holiday destination. ‘With an array of beaches, an average summer temperature of 16°C, and 0% nuclear fallout – for now – Wales will be the nicest region of Russia by far,” said a Kremlin spokesperson. Sources also report that President Putin – a massive of ruggedly handsome, heterosexual singer Tom Jones – has already made plans to keep the singer as a pet.