With cries of ‘Bannockburn!’ on the Westminster benches and a surfeit of high end leisurewear swamping Holyrood, criticism is mounting against the stubborn refusal of embattled Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and aspirant ‘CILF’ Rishi Sunak’s to move their scheduled job swap to a slightly less in-front-of-the-whole-school-assembly date.
Resplendent in a knee-skimming tartan two-piece and confusingly off-message f*ck-me heels, a squirming Sunak was forced to accept that he completely ignored legal advice to abandon the court case against Alex Salmond. The inquiry gave short shrift to his defence that he was completely unaware of the advice, being deep in delicate negotiations with the Head of the World Bank and the Managing Director of Hot Stuff Hardworking Political Hero Hoodies at the time.
Enjoying more success, Nicola Sturgeon’s ground-breaking budget promising Scotland ‘all the jobs’, ‘all the money’, ‘all the fish’ and ‘all ye f*cking Sassenachs can jest get tae f*ck’ was unexpectedly passed, due to socially distanced MPs finding their Zoom screens frozen on reruns of Take The High Road until just after the voting deadline. Unity was, however, restored by the dazzling finale, in which a haggis-wielding Miss Sturgeon flipped the dispatch box to reveal a magnum of Irn Bru, and high-kicked out of the chamber to a chorus of the Gay Gordons and E-number-drenched cheers.
Rishi Sunak’s day ended on a somewhat less positive note, as he was remanded in contempt of court for constantly Instagramming pictures from the witness stand captioned ‘Totes down with the everyday wig-type judicial common folk – and I don’t even drink?! LOL’. The unfortunate chancellor was then unequivocally goosed by a jubilantly handsy former First Minister on his way to the cells.
Meanwhile, Boris’s Johnson’s job swap with Dilyn, Downing Street’s determinedly priapic dog, went largely unnoticed, although the daily coronavirus briefing was praised for its unusual logic, empathy and clarity.