Losing out to Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, Lord Frost as Brexit Secretary and Mr Blobby as a convincing human being, Michael Gove is insisting his new role as Downing Street’s ‘tea lady’ places him at the very heart of Cabinet, despite a key policy change also forcing him to enter meetings through the window, Sir Humphrey-style.
Behind his glamorous façade, the greasy hairnetted Tunnock-shoveller toils long hours pushing a tea trolley around Number 10, supplying the nation’s top dimwits with heavily caffeinated drinks, foie gras and cheese strings.
Running as tight a trolley as his characteristic sphincter-lipped expression of clenched incredulity at each new demotion, ‘Stovey Govey’ is reportedly clinging to a deluded belief in his ability to influence EU negotiations by banning French Fancies, Spanish omelettes and Belgian waffles, fortuitously snubbing a visiting Guy Verhofstadt. Dutch caps, however, were hastily restocked following a flustered late-night intervention from the PM.
A Downing Street insider confirmed: ‘With his whipped fancies and creamy buns, Mikey remains a vital cog in the wheels of Government, at least as far as the Wagon variety are concerned. Indeed, his influence can be glimpsed as far as enthusiastic endorsements writ large across Northern Ireland. Mainly in metre-high scrawl on Belfast walls, but at least they spelled his address correctly this time, which we’re taking as a welcome sign of post-Brexit accord.’
‘Don’t call him a trolley dolly, though. He prefers Chief Underemployed Nutritional Tactician.’