Nigel Farage has abdicated as leader of Reform UK. In a video statement posted on Twitter, the far-right evangelist said stirring-up nationalistic tension had been his “life’s work” and had taken over “the best part of three decades” but now is the time to step down from his upturned milk crate of power.
Often branded a political dinosaur, Nigel was in danger of becoming extinct from an asteroid of common sense. Rejected for office seven times, deprived of his Brexit motivation, and the carnal comfort of his power-neutered breeding partner in Washington. Nigel was losing significant amounts of followers and tweed every day,
He made clear the move will not see him leaving politics entirely, saying: “I’m not retiring – oh no! There’s lots of other things I want to fight for.” Currently, Nigel knows not what.
For just £3 per month you can help to keep Nigel’s spirits up with a pint of ale from an online craft brewery or a pack of ten low quality EU ciggies.
In return, donors will receive:
A 10×12 print of Nigel, rampant, on a Kent hillside surveying his blessed moat, the English Channel.
A recording of Nigel bellowing his favourite childhood fascist anthems.
Be edited into a photograph of British MEPs, with Nigel, cheekily showing their backs to their European Parliament pension paymasters.
A replica [insert name] Party rosette.
The opportunity to participate in an organised walk of support for Nigel, directly behind his chauffeur driven car.
And, the first thousand donors will each receive a unique cuddly Nigel, compete with squeaky megaphone and wardrobe of multi-coloured ‘milkshake’ suits.
It’s not the thought that counts, it’s the money. So, please give generously.
If Nigel can’t walk away, how can you?