Texas Governor Greg Abbott has defended the states recent decision to lift COVID-19 safety measures by denying the existence of all microorganisms.
“At no point in Genesis is there any mention of God creating an invisible, Chinese creepy crawly, that get can up in your nose and make you feel all icky,” he stated in an interview with NBC. “I mean, can you imagine Jesus with the sniffles?”
In addition to mask mandates being removed and businesses being able to open at full capacity, the word virus has now been made illegal in the state.
New legislation declares that anyone caught uttering the word is to be subject to the immediate punishment of a punch right between the eyes, a football to the groin or a slap with a T-bone steak, at the officer’s discretion. Mr Abbott has also put an end to Texas’ vaccination program and has outlawed antibiotics for good measure, stating “all future ailments are to be treated in the traditional Texan way – with bullets.”