Remember your face is reversed in a mirror: a handy guide to DIY dentistry

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Feels like it’s ‘pulling teeth’ finding someone to pull teeth? Here’s how to do your bit for the NHS by being a self-taught home dentist.

Present yourself with a hefty bill before treatment
Bill yourself an exorbitant fee for your work then refuse to pay, the high will act as a short-term anaesthetic whilst the absinthe is kicking in.

Remember your face is reversed in the mirror
An essential aspect of home dentistry is being able to know which side of your face to drill into. Paint L and R on your cheeks if necessary. This rule also works for tattoos.

Ensure the drill isn’t on the ‘hammer’ setting
Tooth enamel is super strong but surprisingly brittle. Don’t put your Black and Decker 500W power drill on hammer setting, the ‘bouncing’ effect will likely disrupt your aim and cause more damage than your worst-case scenario. And remember to sanitise those drill bits before and after use, infection control should be your highest priority.

Not all materials are suitable cavity fillers
So you managed to remove the decay and stay conscious despite the blood loss. Fill the cavity with a suitable product purchased from a pharmacy. Materials, such as: Blu Tack, Honeycomb, Cheddar, Cannabis resin, Oxo cube, and grout, may only exacerbate the problem causing the need for further home surgery. Corrector fluid is also not recommended as a tooth whitening agent.

Clean out the Dyson before use
Sucking debris out of the mouth is vital to achieving that winning smile. Make sure you thoroughly clean out your Dyson before surgery. Nobody wants to go searching for their mangled tongue in a cylinder full of dog scratchings and spider skins.

Back to the drawing board
To pay for professional restorative dentistry to sort out the mess you’ve made, place the shattered remnants of your mandible under your pillow and hope the tooth fairy takes pity.

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Posted: Mar 13th, 2021 by

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