People who write long screeds about all the terrible things they went through and conclude them with sentences like ‘But I turned out all right’ are talking a load of old bollocks, it has emerged. Instead, such people are either borderline sociopaths who want everyone else to suffer as much as they did, or are lying about having suffered in the first place.
‘We didn’t have any of these video games to play in nice, comfy front rooms when I was young,’ said 78-year-old terrible person Nigel Walker, who comes from Yorkshire and voted for Brexit because of course he did. ‘Me and my pals played football on the streets all day, drank water from the fire hose and were grateful for whatever were put in front of us for tea. “You’ll eat it if you’re hungry, my mam would say,” and if I answered back, I’d get it with the buckle end of my dad’s belt. But we all turned out all right, those of us who survived cholera and all the passing trucks.’
The notion that being terrorised by psychopathic authority figures, beaten senseless on a whim, catching easily avoidable illnesses and being made to eat boiled cabbage are all in some way ‘character-forming’ have proved remarkably impervious to reality down the years. Indeed, there is no class divide in this matter among older British people.
‘I’m sick and tired of these Moaning Minnie Millennials saying they can’t afford a 1% deposit for a mortgage on a £500,000 flat in Shoreditch,’ said retired stockbroker and bastard Reginald Ffitch-Maunders. ‘And all the while, there they are splashing out £5.50 on a ‘smashed avocado’ for breakfast. When I was in the upper sixth at Winchester an avocado was a luxury you were sent from home, or bought to butter up one of the fine fillies from the secretarial colleges. They should have had it like we had it back then: flogging for breakfast, flogging for lunch and being buggered mercilessly for supper. Made me the man I am.’
Added Reginald’s ex-wife Margaret: ‘That’s true, actually. It’s also why he’s living over a greengrocer’s shop because I divorced him after coming home and finding him with his trousers round his ankles and a courgette up his arse as he watched a video on TwinkBoys.com and begged Matron for mercy.’