The Government has promised to supplement its derisory 1% pay rise to nurses, with a season’s pass to their nuclear stockpile and free rides on a tank. Nurses will be given full access to the launch codes but have been warned that in the event of an explosion, they would only get their usual PPE.
The UK’s overall number of warheads will increase from 180 to 260 to cope with demand among nurses – who are thrilled at the idea of getting to take a bomb home. They will be allowed to take the missiles in the bath and into bed but have been warned not to put one in the microwave, unless they remove the metallic wrapping first.
A Defence Minister explained: ‘Obviously, there are not enough to go round, so we’ll have a scheme where nurses will take turns to take one home. The rest of the time they will just be given a grenade launcher to play with.’
Some in the international community have accused to the UK of reneging on its promises under the nuclear proliferation treaty. Said the Minister: ‘Why would you trust our word on anything? You’re not a nurse, are you?’