A major investigation is underway following the discovery of a bear dancing about in a government-approved prison, The Great Western Overlooking the Bins Hotel, at Heathrow.
The animal was there for three days before a security guard decided to take it for some morning exercise. A fellow prisoner, waiting for his illegal stash of cigarettes to be dropped over the barbed wire by a drone, noticed it was holding an impromptu performance of an old Little Mix dance routine.
Grant Shapps, the Minister of In-Built Aversion to Doing Anything, said he was astounded how a real live bear had shambled onto an aeroplane completely undetected. It was allegedly carrying a quantity of tacky designer fragrance and a bottle of duty-free vodka.
‘I can only think it kept its head down and kept its growling to a minimum. I suspect that our highly trained officials were busy stopping lorries full of French furniture entering the UK rather than looking for wild animals reeking of Givenchy.’
An angry Kier Starmer ripped the PM to shreds at PMQ’s saying, ‘I say old chap, I conceive this is a shade perturbing.’
The Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has threatened to sack everyone involved and is considering inviting the bear to come to Downing Street once it’s out of quarantine and liven up one of her famously fusty press briefings.