After days of adrenalin-fuelled, 24/7 hype, NASA’s build-up to it’s latest earth-shattering discovery turned out to be the usual waste of everyone’s time.
A distraught head of Mission Control, Frank Frankz, acknowledged the barrage of criticism, saying he understood people’s frustration: global viewing figures plummeted from an estimated 9.3 billion to around eleven.
‘We kinda hoped this was the big one, that humanity would discover life other than our own in the solar system. Perseverance has been a massive success so far. We’ve discovered the planet is round, its rocks are made out of rock, and the rover itself sounds like a thirty-year-old Fiat when performing a three-point turn.’
‘The cameras spotted a small green object, with around a hundred pairs of eyes, after running over it. The onboard mics picked up a shrieking sound and reversed. Being in autonomous mode, it repeated the manoeuvre. Again the cameras detected a small flat green object that was soon vapourised by the rover’s powerful self-targeting laser.’
We apologise for this, but preliminary reports suggest the robotic teapot malfunctioned. You have to remember that the rover’s equipment was originally designed to burn CDs. We’ve now re-programmed it to return to its core mission which is all about driving around rocks in first gear and drilling down through the rocky surface to see if we can find some new kinds of rocks.’