Police have been put on ‘Avenger Alert’ after evil scientists warned a production delay in DNA-altering microchips is set to deny under-50s raised on a diet of trashy Superhero movies their dream of becoming part-human, part-robot, 100% big-haired, permatanned pulling machine.
Distraught Tracy Theramin, who has been preparing for becoming an unthinking, brutal automaton with a strict regime of Terminator 2, Robocop, and Miss Marple on rotation, complained; “I’ve already missed the three-for-one microchip, blood clot, and Rain Man Brainiac early bird; let’s face it, whatever watered-down crap they’re scraping together now will probably only genetically mutate me into half-teaching assistant, half-red setter, just like the old MMR jab.
“It’s not fair; my nephew’s only 23, but thanks to playing up the odd asthma attack, he can now climb towering buildings, outrun a fleeing Yodel delivery driver, and circumvent BT’s call steering; plus his fillings pick up whatever furious tosh Piers Morgan is currently thinking.”
Luckily, an army of vaccinated over-80s are on standby to Hulk out and assist police in putting down any protests, with an elite core of ‘second jabbers’ unfurling their prehensile wings to patrol the skies over potential flashpoints: vaccination centres, Bargain Booze, and abandoned Blockbuster franchises.
Speaking from his Red Room of Queasiness deep below his West Suffolk volcano, a Matt Hancock suspiciously covered in white cat hair reassured there was no cause for alarm: “Delivery of DNA-altering toxin is famously bumpy; you expect the odd box to topple into the shark tank and get devoured by piranhas. But mutations- immunity, I mean- is clearly spreading: most of the cabinet haven’t had their jabs, yet Boris is almost entirely communicating in binary yelps, I’m clearly maxing out my super-sexy-powers, and you can put out cigarettes on Priti Patel’s eyeballs without a wince, although that’s not new, of course.”