Bookshop restricts volumes: retailers take a wild punt at in-store requirements


Some are saying that the UK Government’s ‘roadmap’ is merely an exercise in misdirection. With senior ministers increasingly contradicting each other – and often themselves before reaching the end of their own sentences – many are beginning to wonder whether anyone has the map the right way up. Confusion is rife, but high street retailers have vowed to do what they can to make it all work for their customers, as the 4 stages of lockdown are eased in 5 steps.

Second-hand shop will only let you in now if you keep one hand in your pocket
You’re only allowed to look at things in a butcher’s
Pubs want everyone a regular distance apart
Restaurants would like you to develop a new hand gesture when asking for the bill
Greengrocer lets customers in, but only if they stop fondling his plums
Garden centre concerned about a rose stampede want to nip it in the bud
Herbalist only lets customers in one at a thyme
Candlestick maker welcomes all, providing they don’t light up inside
Ironmonger thought he’d screwed up his entry policy sign, but nailed it in the end
Cinema says you can buy popcorn, but only with a nasty film on
Cricket bat shop will let two in at a time, providing they remain 22 yards apart and don’t cross over
Electrician charged with battery claims it was not his volt
School outfitter caps number of customers
Amazon High Street shop limits customers to prime number
Apple Stores only allowed to admit iMaginary number of customers
Fishing Tackle shops only allowed to admit reel number of customers
Shops which restrict purchase quantities only allowed to admit rational number of customers
Betting shops only allowed to admit odds number of customers
McDonald’s insist customers must remain two golden arcs of piss apart
KFC augment signs to read “Finger Lickin’ Bad”
Starbucks employees asked to refrain from writing ‘Looks a bit Covidy’ on cups
Blacksmith offers cast iron guarantee
Coffee shop retains grounds to reject customers
Tea shop insists you must bring your own bag
‘Keeping swimmers apart a nightmare’ – leisure centre throws the towel in
Fishmonger puts up sign that says ‘off the scales’
‘Keeping orderly queues impossible’ – banks lose interest
Fencing shop puts up signs saying ‘do not touche’
Taylor agrees to tack things on, hem things in, and stitch things up in store
Accountants will make adjustments
Libraries turn over a new leaf
Bookshop restricts volumes
Music shop knows the score
Beauticians will provide masks
Nail bars going back to scratch
Pharmacist dispenses with measures


Article credits: Titus and SteveB

Hat-tips: Titus, Filthy Rich, Sir Lupus, SteveB, Griffin

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Posted: Mar 21st, 2021 by

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