Government top chum and chief post-politics pension supplementer Dido Harding has outlined her plan to privatise the entirety of UK state education. For just a snip at £37 billion per week, Harding will corral a bunch of pal-led companies with no experience in teaching or learning, and trot out a world-beating national education programme.
‘The key to the success of the system is the employment of under-18 Sri Lankans at just £1.57 per hour,’ said Harding. ‘They will tutor all of our children remotely from Sri Lanka without the need for teachers, schools, a curriculum, or any sort of oversight in the UK. Can you imagine the margins we can skim off the top of that?’
‘The most important thing to remember is that taxpayer money is funneled into the private sector in such alarming amounts that no one knows where to begin questioning such a brazen act. Using an unconventional structure of private companies – which I am proud to say is being called the Dido Dodge – we will be able to create holding pattern accounts which minister chums can access when they retire from politics. All completely beyond the reach of legal investigation.’
‘And the best bit is that these young Sri Lankan tutors are actually really good. In fact, I’m looking at outsourcing the entire structure of UK governance to them at a fraction of the recorded taxpayer cost. All we need is a nod from the Anti-Corruption Champion, and away we go. Isn’t that right, hubby?’