Evidence is mounting that the UK’s national flag is starting to exhibit human emotions, such as rage, more rage, and an unhealthy desire for warm beer. The Union Jack itself is said to be obsessively territorial, often threatening other flags, ripping up borders and it will piss on your carpet if you mention fishing quotas.
Using high frequency equipment, they have discovered the Union Jack emits a sound not dissimilar to Ray Winston making love to a Pitbull. On one sound recording, there is an audible reference to ‘watching Millwall’, followed by a sinister gravelly threat about ‘taking back the colonies’
Some have speculated that if enough people worshiped the flag, it would become like a primitive God, demanding sacrifices of jellied eels and marmite. While another rumour suggests that the flag was wished into existence by the combined efforts of Geppetto, Oswald Mosley and a Keir Starmer focus group.
Even casual observers have noticed more and more flags magically appearing behind politicians and fluttering in appreciation whenever someone mentions Dunkirk. A spokesman for the flag said: ‘The Union Jack would like to say that it comes in peace – but we all know that’s not true’.