Brij White and Bernard Cottle, a couple in their 30s from Esher, have advance-booked tables at every pub in Surrey until 2035. ‘We heard that the Wildes from number 26 were doing it, and if you snooze you lose, so we needed to get right on it,’ said White. ‘Actually, we got my whole family on the case, because there was nothing to stop us bagging every good pub garden spot for ourselves.’
They are not alone. Up and down the country, self-centred hoarders who already have spare rooms full of pasta, flour, loo rolls, and matching BMW X5s on their driveways, have decided that it is their current number one priority.
White added, ‘We don’t even like going to pubs, and I don’t let Bernie out because he might see what a kind, joyous, loving woman looks like. But there is an enormous self-satisfaction in knowing that we have something that even regular pub goers can’t get. We are planning to corner the Hampshire market next, and daddy is looking into how we can reserve all the nicest picnic spots in the countryside. Bernie can’t stand picnics, can you? Mmeh-heh, don’t answer that, Floppy.’