After going to great lengths to cut down the number of policeman and nurses, which has all worked out so brilliantly, government ministers have decided to take the axe to the army.
The British army, which once had over 257,000 highly trained, well-armed personnel and could invade China at the drop of a hat, is now down to a number more fitting to the average attendance at a mid-table Scottish Divison Two football match.
Labour expressed surprise that with these latest cuts, the UK could just about defend East Croydon at a push. The PM admitted that some UK soldiers could well be disadvantaged and in a bit of a pickle if the nation comes under attack.
‘We can’t have our brave servicemen and women being vulnerable to attack by hostile foreign chappies. Most of their training is, due to the epidemic, online in any case. Equipping them with a state of the art laptop will enable them to keep up with the latest fighting techniques.
I must thank our partners and colleagues for the amazing logistical feat of delivering the first batch of Chum 5000 laptops to the remaining 200 or so soldiers. This is our first step towards creating a virtual army that can fight anywhere in the world. What’s jolly top hole about is that if one of our chaps comes face to face with an armed to the teeth heathen enemy, he can just whack him in the face with his computer. Bingo, job done, invasion over.’