Social media users who say they are ‘really excited about…’ or ‘so excited to be…’ will face up to ten years in prison under harsh new legislation. People who claim to be ‘super-excited’ could face the death penalty. It is still unclear if ‘I’m passionate about…’ falls under the new law.
One of the first to be charged is repeat offender Poppy Le Pew, a publishing intern from London. Poppy admitted to making the following super-excited tweet: ‘Guys, SO excited to be starting my new highly paid job in the media. Eek! Wish me luck!’
She will be joined in the dock by Jack Smugg, a young skateboarding executive with Microsoft. He has fallen foul of a clause that forbids people saying ‘That sucks’ in response to news of genocide, tsunamis or nuclear explosions. He will be banned from Twitter for six months unless he can promise to respond more appropriately.
The CEO of Twitter has reacted by posting a GIF of a kitten shitting on a dictionary.
A spokesperson for the Campaign Against Censorship said: ‘OMG!!!!!!! Guys, I’m so super-excited to be opposing this Orwellian legislation. Here’s a pic of me eating a tortilla wrap. nom-nom.’
Nick Clegg, the Vice-President for Global Affairs and Communications at Facebook, issued a statement. But no one cares.