The Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.
A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’
The Association of Colleges predicts that by 2020 all resources earmarked for adult education will be channeled into another ‘Pudsey the Dog’ movie. Many older students now feel marginalized, one commented: ‘I got a letter through the post that my adult literacy course was closing and that an appointment had been made for me, at a local veterinary clinic, to be put down’.
Millions of people who had hoped to retrain or work beyond retirement are now faced with the prospect of having to learn to jump through hoops by themselves, without a ‘choccy treat’ at the end of it. One executive, now unemployed, complained: ‘I spent twenty years in the City chewing the furniture, chasing cars and marking my territory with urine. How am I supposed to master new word processing skills, by myself, when I get so distracted by squirrels?’