Karma, which is widely, though incorrectly, perceived as the perpetrator of bad luck on people as a direct result of their own actions, has announced that it is taking a few days off. Having put in a massive shift over the past year, karma is now in need of a good lie down.
‘Strictly speaking, I represent the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences,’ said the philosophical concept of Hindu and Buddhist theology. ‘I shouldn’t really be striking this soon in their current lives. However, I accept you’re all too thick to grasp such subtleties, so on we go.’
Over the course of the years, karma has travelled the world, striking down some of the people who most deserved to be afflicted by the pandemic. These included disgraced sex pest Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, 70-year clockwatcher Prince Charles, several American televangelists who denied the reality of the virus and Yaakov Litzman, the Israeli health minister who blamed it all on LGBTQ people before contracting it himself.
‘Of course, I’ve been busiest in the UK,’ said karma. ‘That’s the inevitable result of being home to the highest proportion of twats in any country. I went straight to the top with the mendacious blonde haystack himself, though not until I forced him to do some work for the past time in his life. Genius, eh?’
‘Now I’m off for a lie-down, but I’ll be back in the summer to do some more of them, don’t worry. Murdoch – you’d love it if he went down big time, wouldn’t you? And that Dr Who villain of a special adviser. If I arranged it for him to cash in his chips, he’d find himself in hell where his nickname, Demonic Bummings, will be exactly what he’ll get. Is that, er, me or what?’