NHS bracing for first wave of blistered Brits


As the NHS finally takes well-earned respite from the coronavirus pandemic, hospitals are now bracing for a new wave of patients, in dermatology.

The Met Office has predicted the UK will experience a warm spell of weather to coincide with the relaxation of covid restrictions and the placement of mountains of barbecue paraphernalia at strategic points in supermarkets.

From Monday March the 29th, groups of six drunken people will meet in gardens with arms, neck and lower legs exposed on plastic furniture facing the sun, commenting: “Oooh! That feels good!”, for up to eight hours, or two naps.

Facing accusations of closing the gate after the horse has bolted, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, awarded a contract to procure millions of gallons of Calamine lotion to the captain of his pub dominoes team, and was seen purchasing nine tubes of Aloe Vera moisturiser from Boots, which later appeared listed on an online auction site.

To further compound the problem, French sun protection giant Ambre Solaire has halved its UK manufacturing workforce down to two.

Dermatologist Tom Harris, commented: “This is the first Monday of the two-week Easter break, the weather will be pleasingly warm, in itself not too dangerous when exposed to in moderation. But we all know that’s not going to happen, Brits are going to go booze crazy, get sunstroke, and fall face-down onto the barbecue in their vests and crop-tops, every day they can. Myself included.

“When society fully opens up on the summer solstice, it’s anticipated there will be daytime parties, festivals and extreme revelling, which, as dermatologists, doesn’t concern us too much because it’ll probably be p*ssing down.”

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Posted: Mar 31st, 2021 by

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