Hampshire cedes to Northern Independence Party

north

After much soul searching one of the UK’s southern most counties, has decided to join the North’s push for independence and better Wi-Fi. The capture of Hampshire will mean that the North’s average temperature will increase by 10 degrees and they will get access to actual vegetables.

A NIP spokeswoman said: ‘We welcome Hampshire’s two million voters, although we are not too bothered about Aldershot. We can offer them five national parks, 97 breeds of pie and our own rudimentary language. And contrary to the stereotype, we do not all have baths filled with coal – some of us have showers’.

There will be cultural differences that Hampshire folk will need to overcome, not least are the Northerner’s propensity for smiling at strangers or putting whippets in flat caps. That said, they have cakes, plenty of cakes. Affordable housing, competent football teams and memorable bands. Plus, cake. Did we mention the cake?

Meanwhile, the Isle of Wight has decided to go it alone by hiding amongst the 607 islands of the Federated States of Micronesia – although the 1970’s bell-bottoms will be a dead giveaway. A Hampshire spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We will miss the Isle of Wight – but so did much of the twentieth century’.

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Posted: Apr 1st, 2021 by

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