An independent commission has found no evidence of Catholicism in the Catholic church. The shock findings suggest factors other than being a catholic are more important in explaining why people are catholic. Class, health, education, employment and criminal justice are said to be the underlining reasons for not wearing a condom.
The report was chaired by Father Seamus O’Priestly, an impartial agnostic. He welcomed his surprise conclusion that Catholicism is caused by free wine and biscuits.
A Vatican spokesman said: ‘This report is a vindication. We are not institutionally catholic. Here in the Vatican City we believe in equal opportunities for all regardless of religion. Protestants, Muslims and Jews can all burn in hell together.’
The Pope said: ‘There’s not a catholic bone in my body. Live and let live, that’s what I say. Unless you’re a witch or an adulterer, of course.’
The Vatican City is now officially the least Catholic city in the whole world.