Peak ill discipline has been reached, wankers. So says a report produced by a coalition of parental groups. And who is to blame for this decay in the very fabric of our society? It’s children. And the internet. And teachers. Anyone but weak-willed, wine quaffing parents who, deep down, really don’t give a crap, but are pretending they still do just to lord it over other parents.
The key finding of the report is that idle threats to children have little impact. ‘The well trodden path of cliches like ‘There will be no dinner for you, young lady’ are simply dismissed by the kids of today,’ whined Jemima Piddledick, an eye-rolling, arm folding wannabe parent with all the gravitas of a bunny with a fwuffy tailybob. ‘It has nothing to do with the fact that the previous 46 times I used the threat, my daughter received a scrummy supper with everything she wanted from Just Eat.’
Jeremy Quaint, another pant-wettingly insipid co-author of the report added, ‘The response to threats of grounding or withholding pocket money, which worked every time back in my day, are invariably met with a stuck out tongue and a slammed door of the luxury Wendy penthouse. It doesn’t matter how many ponies I ply them with, they are only compliant for the briefest of moments.’
The most concerning conclusion from the report, however, is that children are now using the high-end iPads they demanded and received immediately, to conduct research online and debunk parental attempts at retrieving control. ‘Santa will put you on his naughty list and you won’t get any presents for Christmas,’ for example, is most often met with, ‘I Googled Santa’s naughty list, and it is all a suburban myth. Look, daddy, this chart clearly shows that despite the number of children supposedly on the list, Santa has not missed one present delivery in the last 1,700 years.’
It’s all the fault of that bitch, the internet. Parents are lobbying government to have the entire internet dismantled and have received a record-breaking 9 million signatures in their online petition.