Lockdown sceptics in Britain have expressed fears and dismay about the future of philosophy after France announced its schools were to close due to the Covid-19 pandemic.
A clearly anguished John Clarke of Penzance asked: “Without education encouraging new thoughts where will the next Descartes, the next Sartre, the next Derrida come from?”
Mandy Burchill of Dagenham said: “When I had to home school my kids during lockdown, not one of them came up with any as profound as ‘I think therefore I am’. This has really shaken me up – the anti-vaccine material on Facebook didn’t say anything about endangering the future of French philosophy.”
A group of eight teenagers who had been flouting current lockdown rules handed themselves in to the police in Norfolk. “Henri Bergson is well dope,” one said.
In Dover, the streets were filled with a backlog of hundreds of philosophy students held at customs trying to cross the border to France to help out.
Kevin Johnson was seen wearing a face mask for the first time whilst taking down his Union Jacks. “I voted for Brexit,” he said. “Farage never mentioned philosophy once, so I assumed it would all be alright. But it turns out that nobody had even considered the Thomas Paine question. I never obeyed any lockdown rule, but I’m starting to.”
Meanwhile, both left wing and right wing parties in Germany called for school closures to stop the rise of the next Nietzsche and Marx respectively.