Proclamation confirms ‘proportionate force’ deployed on Little Red Riding Hood


In a day heralded as a “triumph of fairytale spirit over uncomfortable truth”, a slew of hastily-published allegories have swept aside accusations of institutional discrimination against lowly minorities like trolls, shape-shifting Beasts, and that confusing fair maiden/witch/hag half of the population, faster than an Enchanted Dyson Broomette.

“As King Boris decreed, this be a land of freedom and opportunity for all stout, flaxen-haired yeomen, cronyistically-appointed knights, and takers of the King’s coin for the supply of allegedly dragon-proof jerkins,” proclaimed a suddenly chipper representative from Ye Home Fortress. “Yes, this doth deny ladies any rightful claim to the streets, but the fairer sex be naturally better suited to cottage-based pursuits, such as spinning gold from straw, weeping attractively, and tending to the dubious needs of seven thickset, drunkenly choral men.”

Responding to accusations of institutional racism against demonized minorities such as giants, ogres, and wolves, he slapped his manly thigh and continued, “Of course we welcome exotic travellers from distant lands, as long as they’ve come through legal channels. Fortunately, there are very few magic keys in circulation, and even if the glass slipper fits, it’s invalid unless signed in triplicate under a gibbous moon.

“Despite all encouragement, wolves obstinately persist in being, shall we say, of a darker hue? If the odd one gets eviscerated, drowned, burned, or lured into a pot of boiling water by brave pigs- municipal constables, I mean- that still constitutes a happy ending. And let me reiterate, pulling down statues of heroic wolf-slaughtering woodcutters carries the highest penalty in a fairytale society.”

A representative of Reclaim the Cobbled Streets, Ms Sleeping Beauty, was unfortunately unavailable for comment. Watchmen were quick to play down a rumoured date-rape potion incident: “She went to a tavern, she knew the risks.”

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Posted: Apr 3rd, 2021 by

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