Nicola Sturgeon found not guilty of Alex Salmond committing sexual assault

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On a stunning day at Holyrood, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was cleared of all crimes committed by her predecessor Alex Salmond after a labyrinthine investigation came to a close.

The SNP leader had been facing accusations that Alex Salmond regularly abused women at his official residence. Prosecutors were determined that some woman should be held accountable for a man’s actions, as is traditional in a court of law. However, Ms Sturgeon escaped on the technicality that the whole thing was a farce.

“The real villain in all this is, of course, a woman, rather than a boorish male pervert bothering female staffers for sex and exploiting his position of power,” said Scottish Tory Douglas Ross. “We know all about that in the Conservative Party, what with our philandering Prime Minister who cheated on his wife while she was in hospital with cancer and sold government contracts in exchange for sex.”

A relieved Ms Sturgeon appeared outside Scottish parliament to address reporters after the ruling. Perhaps optimistically, she declared, “I hope to draw a line under this episode. No longer will a woman’s voice be silenced by a ma—”

“Today’s decision is a disgrace – Nicola should have served time for what I did,” shouted Mr Salmond at the top of his voice before segueing seamlessly into announcing the foundation of his all-new Ali Baba Party.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2021 by

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