The government is to run a series of trials for how we might return to normal public life, including experimenting with having everyone cough directly into each others’ faces.
“It’s important that as we start to reopen our society, we do so in a controlled manner,” said Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty. “With a data-led approach we can understand the risks involved in reintroducing everyday activities. It is for this reason that we are encouraging people to get together in large groups and spew their germs around with wanton disregard.”
Added Boris Johnson: “These trials are vital if we are return to the glory days of broken hand driers in pub toilets and individually handling every potato in Aldi. Remember – when the person next to you sneezes and then wipes their nose with the back of their hand, they are simply playing their part in a controlled experiment. At this point, you should tut loudly, exchange contact details and record the encounter in the NHS app.”
Trials will also include holding major sporting events, with the FA Cup final featuring an epic showdown between Covid-19 and the AstraZeneca vaccine.